This is fast, it’s a rush towards loops and gut wrenching lows because that’s exactly what a roller coaster does.
The first time I remembered seeing him, I was leaving a college math class in early 2007. I was walking to my car and he was jetting off on on his motorcycle. I never thought twice about him because I had too much swirling in my head already (see previous few posts). I ended up dropping out of that class and flying to Alabama to spend a few cherished days with my dying grandmother. Fast forward about 8 weeks and he emailed me at work. Just like that, out of the blue, he came after me. Let’s call him Louisiana because names are fun 🙂
We slowly got to know one another and I instantly liked him because he was everything most of us like about people. He was handsome, ambitious, charismatic, intelligent and most importantly our conversations had depth. He was also older than I was by about 6 years or so. May not seem like much but when you’re 24 it’s a lifetime of difference. We hung out often, lunches at work, talks on the phone, dinner and movies at his newly purchased home but nothing physical which was refreshing. Then one night he walked me out to my car to say goodnight and he kissed me. Now this will sound corny but I felt something besides his lips on mine. It was like a movie and I think I tripped and fell in love so damn hard off just one kiss and in NO WAY did I ever think that was even possible. Cupid got my ass! As time went on we continued to date. Our dates turned into late nights and early mornings and no matter how hard I tried to down play my increasing feelings they kept rising to the surface. The problem was his feelings or at least his words didn’t express what I felt.
The year progressed and without noticing, I started to become this mans girlfriend without us actually establishing a true relationship. We had keys to each others houses, gate codes, bank accounts etc. I was in love and he loved me (very big difference between the two). His career was going places and he was on a path to reach all of his goals in record time. So I decided to not stand in the way and to help him in anyway I could. His career was moving onward to a new assignment….without me. But instead of being sick about it. I was very optimistic. We flew back and forth to see one another and it was OK until things went horribly wrong.
We had an argument and he had to confess because of the circumstances that he had been seeing someone else. The really bad part was, he had a huge military ceremony in a few days and I already had a plane ticket and a ticket this event. To save us both the embarrassment and because I promised long before love was a factor that I’d always be there for his accomplishments…..I got my silly ass on a plane (love makes you delusional) and went anyway. I went straight from the plane to a dinner with his colleagues. Imagine having to smile, laugh and pretend that everything is amazing in life when you’re actually hurting and sitting next to the person responsible for your anger. That night I told him that after we played nice at his event that I was leaving and we were through. I told him I couldn’t do this craziness anymore with me being dedicated, trying to proving myself, being a super girlfriend to someone who didn’t even acknowledge me as such. I was never going to be good enough for him. He actually broke down, cried and said he loved me. He said he needed me in his life. He said he didn’t know how to love and need me to teach him. I was shocked! Now one would think I’d be elated but nope. I was in shock. I knew him and this felt like a game. And yet by bleeding heart still did not leave him alone. We kept on going back and forth like that with more drama. I kept finding out things on social media (myspace) and he kept leading me down a twisted path.
We continued on our merry go round for about another year or so. We had yet another argument like before and I said I was done(again). This time I offered him a way out. I told him that since I can’t seem to stay away then, he should stay away from me. I told him to just say it….tell me its over. Tell me you don’t want me anymore. He didn’t tell me that, instead he said the opposite and we kept on going up and down, round and round on that damn delusional ride.
Then the fatal blow to what was left of my heart struck in 2009. He confessed and only because in 9 months or less I’d know anyway, In his words…”Ros I messed up, I got somebody pregnant. She doesn’t mean anything and it’s supposed to be you. This is supposed to be us”. I’m so glad I was home alone because I hit the floor. I cried so hard for so long I don’t even know how or when I got up.
That was truly the first time and hopefully the last time I’d ever have to feel my heart break like that. This was not the first time my feelings were hurt by a man but my I’ve never felt my heart break like this like this before. I felt like death was crushing me and there was no coming back. My head immediately began to hurt and I suffer from crippling migraines. My chest hurt so bad I went to the doctor about it (literally). We stopped communicating and for a while he tried several times explaining how she was nothing to him. We carried on back and forth like that with his fake apologies, me crying and yelling for a few months until this other woman replied to my text on New Years Eve. She told me a bunch of things that may have been truth or maybe lies but none of that matters now because her next words set it all in stone for me. She told me that I was the crazy one. I was the FRIEND who couldn’t let go and let THEM be a happy family with their child. They were getting MARRIED! She called me to say that and her words were dripping with so much venom. To make things worse he even got on the phone and told me that he was choosing his family over me.
So that was it for me. His words CUT deep and I was totally broken. I lost all faith and hope in love and everything else including myself. I know wasn’t ready to get married yet but I just knew that he was the one for me and eventually he’d get it together. I knew that one day we’d grow old together. I knew that one day we’d buy a house and have 2 kids and live our dreams together. I knew that one day all of that bullshit would fade away and he’d appreciate me. I know what you’re thinking….such a STUPID thing to think when the writing was on the wall for years!
That phone call was all it took to wake up and die all at the same time. I lost all confidence in myself. I doubted everything about ME because of HIM. The next two months were filled with poor decisions and self hate. I was so depressed, I dropped out of school and I stopped going everywhere except work. I gained 10lbs and I cried everyday. My two best friends had moved across the country so I was all alone stuck in a home that he and I created memories in. I hated everything about life. I was a hot mess and the only thing that saved me was seeing myself in the mirror and I got angry. I saw myself and didn’t even know ME. Imagine that….being so intertwined in someone else’s life, their goals and dreams that you lose everything about you when they finally cut all ties. I had become unrecognizable to myself. Everything I loved about me I doubted, all because one man didn’t see my value. Everyone kept trying to tell me that he would come back but I NEVER believed them. He turned into someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. His spirit wasn’t even the same when we spoke. Aside from that he was much too prideful to come back and apologize. Even when I tried to talk to him a few years ago and let him know that I forgave him (for my own benefit) for it all he still couldn’t grasp it or admit to any wrong doing on his part.
The most fortunate part is knowing that he didn’t deserve to be a part of the joyous moments and wealth that followed his departure from my life. I know now that if he had stayed my growth into who I am now wouldn’t have happened as it did. Who knows what he could’ve became with me in his corner. Who knows what he’s doing now or where he is now. But he left the door wide open for another man to walk in and sweep me off my feet. Everything I prayed for him to be and everything I didn’t know I needed in a partner walked right into my life. I didn’t make it wasn’t easy for him but it happened exactly 3 years after he left me for her. Strange how life works out but as I type this a song plays : “I used to want you so bad, I’m so through with that, cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had”.
I know now that even in the darkest hour (or years) that you find yourself in you really find out how strong you are. Your instincts kick in to fight and I chose myself and I chose happiness. You can’t go anywhere from that point but UP!
And then life became AMAZING…