Many people wish they could’ve chosen the family they were born into or perhaps trade some of them like an NFL draft and I am no exception to this wish. As a child I loved all of you, even your bad habits because they made you, YOU. I worked hard to make you all proud of me. I worked hard because I carried OUR name and I never wanted to bring shame or disgrace to it. By all accounts I became a success and all you have done is lie to me.
Remember the time you rallied together and tried to convince my grandmother to have me aborted because that’s what you assumed would be best? Remember the times you tried to tell me indirectly that I would never be anything? Remember when you assumed that I’d end up a teen-mom and “just like my mama”? You only made me stay a virgin until 17 (graduation year) because I wanted to prove you wrong so thank you for that much. Remember how you put my cousin and I against one another and we were only about 10 years old? Over the years, you made everything between us a competition and even when I tried to dumb myself down to LET her get better grades, wear my clothes, and even teach her about makeup….all you did was continue to push us a part until she and I stopped talking completely.
I know all about the times you have spit venom on my name to your very own children simply because they aspired to be like me. Remember when your sons reached out to me for career advice and you told them to do the exact opposite of what I said. I know I’m not perfect but everything you are, I AM NOT! Now your sons never call or come home. Your daughters hoped to follow in my footsteps and become great young women. Instead you told them lies about me and now they are doomed by following in your footsteps towards the past you refuse to tell them about because you forgot that every saint was once a sinner.
How about the time you stole my identity? I’m nothing to aspire to according to you but you actually STOLE MY IDENTITY and lived off my name for 2 years. Remember when I couldn’t even get an apartment or buy a car until I cooperated with the FBI over my OWN identity. How about after it all hit the fan, you became angry with me for reporting you to the authorities? It took me years to regain control over the mess you made of my financial life.
Remember when you used to have card parties, sell stolen goods, pimp girls, strip at clubs all over the South, do drugs, count stacks of drug money and traffic girls across the country? Who was right there listening, watching, and riding along? I was! You taught me so much about the streets and NOTHING about being a little black girl. Thankfully I had a praying grandmother because her children and other relatives only seemed to believe in God when the law and death was involved.
Remember how my grandmother lie dying from cancer in my mother’s bed with me at her side for 35 days straight and all she wanted was to see all of you and most of you NEVER CAME! I remember that and your excuses for not granting a dying maternal member of our family their last wish.
Remember how you lied to me for the past 31 years about my very existence on this earth? Remember all the times you could’ve came clean and told me the truth before letting me uncover a truth that cannot be untold? Do you recall the times you said “That girl should’ve just let the past stay buried?” Do you recall the times, you gossiped about me and my desire to know where I came from in the check-out line at Wal-Mart or how about that time in the grocery store?
Words cannot explain to you how I feel. I have NO IDEA how I even came into existence. You know my truth and won’t even tell me. It is easier for you to sweep my questions and this secret under a rug and fake hug at some holiday dinner rather than explain the truth over a glass of wine. So family, I don’t hate you. I hate the lies you have told and the things you have done and continue to do. I can’t even bear to look at you so I won’t. I know now that I don’t have to be around you or LET you in my life. I’ve accepted that I may never know the truth or hear an apology so I am no longer waiting or expecting one.
I CHOOSE to pursue happiness, live a positive life and not let YOU in. It’s taken me years of therapy to get over how disappointing you are. It took me the past 368 days to come to terms with the realization that you are who you are and it’s not my responsibility to try to change or empower you. It took me 368 days to accept that hiding the truth from ME about my OWN life is more important to you than having me in yours. I don’t have to help you or listen to you lie some more, no thanks! It was challenging to do but I have accepted that I don’t have to care about you or put you first simply because we’re FAMILY!
For every one of you that say I have changed, that is the only thing you have ever gotten right about me. You don’t even know me and I don’t even want you to.
Niecy aka Ros
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.
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