Dating is VERY difficult and quite risky when you consider everything you have to lose if the person you bet on fails you. But we all desire to love and be loved in return so we throw all caution out the window and place all bets on another person and hope for the best. Well…sometimes it all turns out to be worth the risk and we fall madly in love, create a beautiful life together and live out our versions of happily ever after. Other times when we least expect it, the other person removes their mask and we end up in a tangled web of lies, deceit and hurt feelings. I’ve found myself in not one, not two, but THREE different UNWANTED love triangles and here is what happened:
I met him in a dorm room vibing out to music over conversations about life, career, growing up and travel. We immediately clicked and exchanged numbers. We started working on music together and he would rap some very hot lyrics over my melodic beats. Our musical chemistry lead to frequent lunches & coffee meet ups to continue conversations on an array of topics. Over the next 2 months our friendship grew and the attraction between us could be felt by anyone in our vicinity. We started dating, spending lots of time together & eventually planned a weekend getaway together. The day before our trip his GIRLFRIEND and her BFF followed me home and approached me about this man. PAUSE…My first thought was how does he even have a girlfriend if he’s always with me? Where does she think he is all that time? My next thought was, are these bitches planning to jump me? But it didn’t play out like that at all. The girlfriend simply asked me to stop chasing him. She had already found out about me and talked to him first. Of course, he told her I meant nothing, we weren’t serious and that she was the one he wanted. I was shocked, hurt and then I laughed. I told her everything about our budding romance and even forwarded her his text messages and let her hear his voice mails (yes he was that careless). I felt bad for her because she was really in love with him. She told me they were planning a wedding and I could tell that even though she was hurt she was still going to marry him and SHE DID …a few months later. I never heard from him after that day and once I told our circle of friends what happened, it turns out they all KNEW. The only people who were in the dark were myself and his girl friend. Nobody wanted to speak up and warn me BEFORE it became an embrassing situation. I stopped hanging out with that group of “friends” because clearly they didn’t have my best interest at heart.
I moved to a new city and on my 1st day in town I met a very charming man. I told him I was new and he offered to show me around. I gave him my number and he invited me to a college basketball game later that week. We met at the game and had a great time together. He introduced me to his friends and colleagues as his future girlfriend and I thought his confidence was cute. From there, we dated…I mean he really courted me and was the PERFECT gentleman. He never forced anything or moved too fast and I liked that about him the most. His mom(or so I thought) called him once while we were in the car together and he told her how happy I made him. About 3 months passed and I was at his home one evening for dinner. I had to use the bathroom and he was out of toilet paper. Since this wasn’t my first time in his home and we were dating I felt comfortable looking under the sink for more toilet paper and that’s where things went south. Under the sink were boxes of tampons, pads, nail polish remover and other female hygiene products. I completely forgot I had to pee and grabbed a handful of toiletries and walked back to his dining room to ask, “who’s tampons are these?” The look on his face was sheer panic. He tripped over his words as he was searching for a logical explanation. His response was a name…a woman’s name. I paused and said who the ___ is that? He then told me she was his wife and she was temporarily living in another country for work. I flew into a fit of pure rage. I started yelling at him for putting my life in danger (what if she had come home and I was there in HER house).. He swore they were “separated” and OK with seeing other people, she wasn’t crazy and more lies. I wasn’t buying any of that BS and I stormed out of his home leaving spilled tampons and nail polish in my wake. He called me so much after that I had to change my number. He still wouldn’t leave me alone so I did some investigating on social media and figured out who his wife was (it wasn’t a hard process). I emailed her and told her everything. THIS stopped his stalking immediately! I never heard back from her either but I guess she handled her business.
I met him in a training course for work. The first day of class he came in late and the only seat open was next to mine. I’ll admit because he wasn’t a black man, I never really noticed him as dating material. Over the course of the training class ( a few weeks) we worked together on group assignments and got to know one another. He was funny, cultured, a doting father and a part-time dance instructor. The course was located in his city & I didn’t know anyone so he asked me to join his group of friends for a dance class and dinner. I was reluctant but I went and had a blast dancing and hanging out with his friends. After that we started having lunch together every day connecting over shared interests. My birthday was approaching and since I was away from my friends and family he made it a point to make sure my day was special. I tried to stop him but he insisted and I had one of the best birthdays to date. I didn’t see him until the evening of my birthday because he pre-paid for everything I had done all day. At dinner in a very nice restaurant, we talked about relationships past and what we both wanted moving forward. He expressed his interest in moving to my city for a job opportunity and the added bonus was that I already lived there. One of my last nights in town I was over his place looking through photos of his child and their adventures together. I noticed the mother wasn’t in the photos and we had briefly spoken about her. He told me she was younger and wasn’t the best mom and needed to mature some more so he was doing the best he could as a dad. He went as far as to mention how he thought I’d love the child and they’d love me in return when we met someday. It really touched my heart to see a man being so dedicated to making a good life for his child. Days later I flew back home and on my second night back home I got a call from his number around 2am. It was odd but I answered anyway and as soon as I said hello…a woman burst into tears. She was crying so hard I couldn’t even make out a word she was trying to say. I hung up and sat up in bed wondering what the hell was happening. She called back immediately and asked me if my name was Ros and it is soooo…She told me was his fiance and they had a child together and he had asked her to move to a new city with him soon. She was a few years younger and had religious parents who understood her mistake but suggested they wait until after marrying to live together. She told me how she got him drunk on purpose, drove him home from the club, watched him passed out and give her the perfect time to call me. I talked to her into the day light morning hours and told her I was sorry this was happening to her but I was MOVING ON and didn’t even need to talk to him to break things off. She wanted me to call him so she could hear the whole thing go down but I was against it. I never wanted to talk to him again. She actually wanted to be my friend ( we’re not friends). She wanted to lean on me and call on me to help her pick up the pieces of her life. I felt really bad for her because I wasn’t emotionally invested so my heart wasn’t broken at all. I was happy to know early on what kind of person he was and thankful for a great birthday at no cost to me. She was devastated over what happened but I knew I didn’t need to stay in touch with either of them. I gave her advice and prayed for her and then I hung up. She found me online and started befriending me on everything and I eventually had to block her and change my number again!
So yeah….dating sucks sometimes. It’s hard to trust another person out sight out of mind. But can you believe that I am still NOT opposed to love. I never once bashed those men afterwards I simply cut off all communication and chakled it up to a just being a part of life. I never considered that “all men are dogs” mindset. Instead I gathered my pride & my self-respect and moved on with my life. I had zero intentions of dating someone’s man so I feel no guilt over anything. As soon as I found out the truth I removed myself from the situations immediately. I never tried to talk to those men to find out what happened or why they lead me on. They had already lied to me so I didn’t need to ask them to continue to lie to me just so my feelings wouldn’t hurt as bad. I’m in a wonderful healthy relationship with someone I love, trust, respect and admire and I FEEL all of things in return from him. I can only hope that if another woman finds herself opposite me in similar situation that she will treat me with the same level of respect as I have done. Things get messy when the “other woman” fully knows that she is in fact the other woman and she’s comfortable in that lane and happily playing along. I will NEVER lower my self-respect to such a level and neither should you.
If both women think they’re the only ONE, neither is the side chick
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